August 9, 2022

Zoe’s Scribbles: #NYSCTales

Home » Zoe’s Scribbles: #NYSCTales

Zoe’s Scribbles: #NYSCTales

Hey guys, remember I said I would be entering a new phase of life and I was going to tell you guys about it? Well, it’s happened and while I’m not thrilled about the experience at the moment, I’m excited to tell you guys all about it.

I’m at Wannune, Tarka Local Government Area of Benue state. It’s where I’ve been posted for my NYSC and guys, Benue state is far. *side eyes all of you that said it’s 3 hours from Abuja. It’s actually 5 hours* And no, no commercial airline flew there as at the time I was frantically searching for flights to Makurdi airport.
The first thing you notice as you enter Benue state is the ‘lush’ green and farmlands. It’s called ‘Food Basket of the Nation’ for a reason. Apparently, food is very cheap here. When you enter the capital, you see some artwork symbolising it.
Instead of giving you the full details with some boring (not really) parts in between, I’ll just give you the highlights of each day.

Wednesday – Arrival
After a journey that seemed like forever with everyone a prospective corper like me in the bus, I got to camp and had my box searched at the gate. Now, no one told me this happened and all my underwear were on display on top. Talk about airing your clean laundry in public.
Time for registration and this was a guerrilla affair. Nigerian youths are animals. EOD. Luckily, I managed to do it that afternoon.
God! Everywhere is hilly. I’m not sure the corper uniform will serve as a hiking gear. I’m dying. Help!
Our hostels have no fans. Like there are ceiling fans but no regulators. Welp! No charging outlets either. How am I supposed to charge my phones? Ah! I want to go home please.
Thursday –
Today was the day I got my kit- khaki uniform, a pair of jungle boots, a crested vest, 2 white shirts and shorts and a pair of white tennis shoes. Boy, my uniforms were XXXXXXL. It was annoying because NYSC took our sizes during mobilisation. What was the point of that? Luckily I found a guy who was given small sizes and we swapped. They’re still big for me tho. Those uniforms are pretty low quality tho.
A girl had her bag stolen in the hostel adjacent to mine. Another had her phone stolen.
You see this parade ground business? Stress mehn. I’m not sure I can take it. Why do we have to wake up by 4am? Please is it that serious? What’s the urgency for?
I almost forgot. Someone got mad drunk at mammy market and gave his atm card to a stranger to go into Makurdi to withdraw some money for him. My question is, was that his first time drinking or is he usually stupid?
Friday- Swearing in ceremony.
Today was the swearing-in ceremony. Funny enough, it didn’t really take time but for some reasons, the soldiers singled me out today to harass me. I stood my ground tho. Ended up becoming friendly with two of the toughest ones. We were shared into platoons and guys, I need suggestions on what to join so I can participate and get noticed enough to be deployed to a good place. Please let me know in the comment section. Thanks.
Can I just talk about those students that school in the eastern part of Nigeria? Why do all of them behave like local goats? If you schooled in the East, sorry but I hope you have become civilised. This bush behaviour is unacceptable.
A girl in my hostel had her bra stolen. Yep, her bra. Abeg, if you’re bold enough to steal someone’s bra, better be that you’re using it for jazz. How can you wear someone’s bra? Ah! Who raised you? The thief must have been dropped on the head as a baby.
See, water has gone again and the other water tank is up a hill? Do I really need to take a bath? Please why should we be subjected to this torture?
I’ve heard stories of people fucking in the bush. I know I’ve been seeing people in the bush since Wednesday. Abeg, it’s just for 2 weeks. Is that how strong the konji is? Hian. Tomorrow is Saturday. Surely we get a break from all this and just chill, right?
Wrong! And I woke up late! Everyone was dressed by 3am when I woke up. Don’t blame me. Blame Twitter. I had to catch up on the whole Tiwa/Tee Billy Goat saga.
Guess who got into another fracas with a soldier. This time, I actually bit his head off. How I haven’t gotten in trouble is a mystery.
NYSC is giving us 1,500 today. Turnup at mammy! Drinks on me everyone!
I tried camp food today. Let’s just say I won’t bother anymore. Except on the day my platoon (8) is cooking. Horrible doesn’t begin to describe it. I want my mommy’s food abeg. And the fish finished in 30 minutes. We’re 1,800 corpers here plus not everyone eats camp food. How did the fish finish quickly? See why bribery and corruption won’t end soon in Nigeria?
Meanwhile, there’s a human atm here. You guessed it. He’s Igbo. Apparently you transfer the money you want to him via POS and he gives you cash, charging 50 Naira for every 1,000 Naira. Pretty genius, isn’t it?
I finally had some alcohol in my system with my first camp drinking buddy. Maybe I’ll start enjoying camp soon. Who knows?

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Written by
Dr. Deolu Oniranu-Bubble

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