May 21, 2022

The Diary Of A Lagos Virgin Premiere

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The Diary Of A Lagos Virgin Premiere

The look on Lanre’s face was utter disgust rolled in shock, he looked like he had just seen a ghost. You could literally tell he thought what just happened a few minutes ago was unheard-of.

“What did you just say? That was Lanre asking for the second time

With fear and confusion I repeated myself.  His shock turned to anger, I replayed what I just said to Lanre in my head just to be double sure. What I said wasn’t new or bad why was he reacting this way.

He looked around the room like someone looking for a lost item. I wasn’t sure if he was in shock over what just happened or over something else that might have happened outside the room.

He looked at me and with a smile on his face, he said “Temi seriously”. I wasn’t sure if I was meant to respond to that statement so I chose to respond with a nod.

He got off the bed, picked up his shirt and started to button it quietly. For a moment everything in the room went dead silent including his fan which always made a screeching sound frequently.

He stopped buttoning his shirt and took a second look and then started laughing. He was laughing so hard I was scared he had gone nuts. He stopped laughing and continued buttoning his shirt while mumbling something that sounded like “what wont I hear in this Lagos”

He finished buttoning his shirt, picked up his shoe which was beside the bed and headed for the door. I gathered some courage to ask where he was going to.

He looked at me like I had just spoken Chinese. With a grin on his face he walked towards me, for a minute I thought he was coming to hit me. He stopped halfway and said “I’m sorry but please what I’m I suppose to be doing here?

Lanre looked furious as he spoke.

In our 4 months of dating I have never seen Lanre this angry. I wasn’t so sure how to deal with this right now. He looked really pissed. If someone had told me that there would be a day like this when Lanre would be so angry at me, I would never have believed the person.

Even my friends would have found that hard to believe as they had always joked about the fact that when Lanre was being created, God forgot to put in him the ability to get angry. He always had a smile for every situation no matter how bad it was.

Lanre always said “there is nothing a smile cannot fix especially this my own smile” and he was right about his own smile, his smile had gotten me through some pretty tough days. His smile was actually one of the reasons I had chosen to be with him.

I still remember meeting him at my friend’s house about 8months ago. He was properly balanced on the chair watching a match with my friend’s husband Chike, when I walked into the house that day.

I had said a loud hello to my friend’s husband like I normally did everything time we saw and in his usual manner he replied with “You this Yoruba noise maker, you have come again”

I laughed and said “You are not happy I am greeting you, people are dying for me to greet them”

They both laughed before my friend’s husband said “my friend go and meet you friend upstairs and stop disturbing our match”.

As I headed for the stairs I responded with “it’s not as if your team is even winning”

Chike and Lanre started laughing at my response. Lanre’s laughter sounded like that of a wealthy man choking on his own money. He laughed with so much relaxation and like he was never going to stop hence the choking sound whenever he tried to stop laughing.

I didn’t get to speak to Lanre personally till 2weeks later, at my friend’s husband’s promotion party

I had just walked into the venue and was trying to scout for familiar faces when I heard someone behind me say

“Aren’t you that loud Yoruba lady from Chike’s house?”

I turned and saw Lanre with a big smile on his face.

“Oh yeah that’s me” I replied

“I didn’t know you were going to show, Chike didn’t tell me you were coming I would have dressed finer ” we both laughed

“Na, its okay you look good anyway” I replied with a smile

“Are you trying to wash me?”

“I can’t wash a fine boy now, Can I?” I replied

We both laughed out once more. By the way my name is Lanre he said with a really nice smile

“I am Temi” I said quickly

“I can’t believe that coconut head boy didn’t even introduce us to each other when we met at his house, he doesn’t want me to be like him and marry fine babe “ lanre said

I laughed out really loud before saying “Oh, please don’t wash me”  

I found his sense of humour pretty entertaining.

We sat at the same table at the party as we both didn’t know a lot of people at the party except my friend and her husband. Lanre and I got talking, we spoke about everything, his job, my terrible boss, his dramatic sister, my controlling brother, sports, music and all what nots.

Sitting and gisting with Lanre was fun. I envisioned doing this again with him, we exchanged contacts before leaving the party that day.

The weeks that followed after were incredible.  Lanre was a perfect sweetheart. I had never being made so happy in such a short period of time. He treated me like a gem. The constant calls and text messages, the after work pick-up and dinners were the best. Every week he had something special planned. There was the week he took me to see a play by Wole Soyinka I thought it sweet that a man loved seeing plays as opposed to going to the cinema.

There was that time he took to me to a jazz concert. That was the night he leaned over and planted a kiss on my lips after which he said “I can taste the suya on your lips”. I could barely laugh as I was still shy from the kiss.

We became official after that night. Lanre showered me with gifts, he spoilt me silly. My friends were dead jealous, asking how I had met a man like Lanre.

It was our 3rd month together and my birthday when Lanre walked into my office with a small box in his hand.

He gave me the box and said “Madam! Me I am tired of being your driver and I don’t have any more money to be spending on all this yeye Lagos cab men”

I wasn’t so sure of what he was talking about so I replied with “so you want me to be bus-ing or biking now”

He smiled and said “how would I be alive and my own Temi would be bus-ing or biking”

I wasn’t sure of the point he was trying to make.

He could tell I was confused and so he said “Well, Temi I was hoping you would drive us to our lunch venue today”

“Drive us” I replied

“Yes, drive us “ he said

“Okay, give me your keys then“ I answered

“Nope, not in my car jor” he replied

“Then in whose car if I may ask?

“Would you just open the box already” Lanre said

I opened the box and saw a key, and with a huge smile on my face I said  “You have got to be kidding me”

“Nope, I’m not, babe you deserve it” he said

He pointed to a Honda accord end of discussion parked beside his car and said “Happy birthday, dear”

My friend Bola nearly fainted when I told her about the gift over the phone later in the evening. She screamed and said “ Babe, its either you are using jazz for this boy or there is something he wants and can only get from you”

I laughed and said “Can’t men be sweet again, plus remember I am a correct babe now, men gats represent with me”

But here I was in the 4th month of our relationship and on Lanre’s birthday speaking to a very angry man.

All I had come to do in his house this evening was to spend his birthday with him and to give him the new playstation 4, I got him for his birthday. I hadn’t planned for any of this to happen

“Lanre, please don’t be mad at me“ I said

“Mad, I am not mad, can’t you see I am smiling he said”

“Wait let me ask you something Temi. How old are you?”

27, I replied

“How many men have you dated?

“4” I said

“So off all those 4 men I am the one that looks like mumu” he asked

“Lanre come on why would I lie about a thing like this

 “I swear Lanre I am a VIRGIN”

Please just listen to yourself. How can a 27years old Lagos babe who has dated 4 men one of which she lived with for 1 year tell a whole me that she’s a virgin, do I look like a baby to you?”

Lanre, I only  lived with him because we thought we were going to get married and hence wanted to get to know each other as live-in partners first, nothing ever happened between us during the period – I said

Look, Temi you could have just said Lanre I am not ready for this and I would have understood that, I mean it’s too early for all these kind of lies in our relationship”   He spoke with so much irritation

I tried to reply but couldn’t find the words

Lanre looked at me and said “Okay o,  I have heard miss virgin, I am going out now before I come back just make sure your virgin self is out of my apartment”

As he made for the door I heard him mumble something that sounded like  “Virign, TEMI virgin inside this same Lagos, Lanre this babe thinks you are a toddler”

As I sat in the room with tears in my eyes I imagined telling my Bola about what happened, I imagined Bola’s reaction to this story. I imagined her laughing out loud in her usual annoying manner and say “You thought all those gifts and niceness was for free

As I picked up my bag and some of my belongings in the room I thought to myself “Maybe, I shouldn’t have said anything, maybe I did the wrong thing or was I being stupid again. Maybe I should have just told him why I couldn’t really sleep with him.

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Written by
Dr. Deolu Oniranu-Bubble


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