Happy New Year guys.
It’s me again, your friendly neighbourhood Average Joe.
Last year was a so-so year for me and I did my best to stay away from female trouble as much as I could but a dude like me can only stay out of female trouble when there are no females around. Like… I can only stay out of female trouble if I lived in a country where there were no women. Is that even possible? Me? In a country with no women? Hahaha, moving on.
So, it was all going fine last year with all the ladies in my life, a few I wrote about and a few others I didn’t, until December of last year. Christmas had almost arrived and it was time to be together with the family I ran away from for the most part of the year.
Kemi who I’d been dating at the time (yeah she’s left me. Sad story) wanted to come along with me but I explained to her how awkward it would be and she wasn’t happy about it and I had to kiss her, squeeze her nipples, grab her butt and lick up all the juices from her cum until she could no longer take it and had had enough. She finally allowed me to go without accompanying me.
The main reason I didn’t want her to was because she was Yoruba and my mom had had issues with Yoruba women in the past. When my mother feels that way about a person or a tribe it usually is very difficult to make her change her views. So I decided to avoid all of that altogether. There would be another time, I thought.
Christmas at my family house was wonderful. I met everybody that I’d been avoiding and had to deal with the awkwardness of explaining why I hadn’t been able to keep in touch for eleven months or more. They all knew me and knew I was lying but I didn’t care. I wouldn’t be seeing them for another eleven months or so anyway. Geraldine, my cousin from my Dad’s side who got married a few months back and sent me an invite to her wedding which I didn’t attend, saw me and wanted to bite my head off.
It took me a while to apologize and explain why I couldn’t be there before she introduced me to her husband, Frank. Frank looked like a cool dude. We had a few drinks together and talked about work, football and politics. I then drove the conversation towards women and he chuckled before he asked me why I wasn’t married yet. I chuckled too.
“I haven’t found the right girl yet”
“That’s what all guys who aren’t married say then they marry someone who isn’t even nearly as good.”
“Is that what you did with Geraldine?” I asked, raising an eyebrow.
He laughed before saying “I knew she was perfect the first day I met her… And I wasn’t even planning on getting married at the time. I just saw her and suddenly I felt like being married to her. Doesn’t make sense right?”
“Nothing ever makes sense with women and marriage, Frank”
“So you’re not planning to get married.”
“I probably will when I get old enough to not be sexually aroused by all the beautiful women in the world.”
“So yeah, that means you’ll be single forever.” we both laughed and Geraldine saw us and walked up to us “what could two of you be here laughing about?”
“Joe here just told me he never plans to get married. You guys should try hard to find him a wife before he actually does it.”
“Don’t mind him.” she said “what about that Yoruba girl I heard you were dating?”
“Me? How? When?”
“Hahaha. You think you can hide it from us abi? Look at you. We know everything. Just because you don’t tell us don’t mean we don’t know.”
“I have no idea what you’re talking about.” I said to her but I’d always suspected that they’d know about my relationship with Kemi. I’d tried so hard to keep it secret but word really travels around fast in my family.
The Christmas get-together was going on really fine and I’d had enough drinks to really put me in a great mood. Christmas Carols and camaraderie filled the air and the atmosphere felt quite nice then I spotted a fine young lady who looked like she was in her late teens or early twenties. She was almost as tall as I was in moderate heels and looked quite dashing in a DaViva print bespoke dress.
Her hair was nicely made and she held onto a black clutch purse in one hand while she had a glass of what looked like red wine in the other. I wondered who she’d come with. I didn’t know how long I kept looking at her until she looked around and found me staring and I abruptly turned my eyes away. When I looked again in her direction she was looking at me.
I smiled at her and she returned my smile. She looked so beautiful when she smiled but she was so young and seemed so innocent for an old, dirty bastard like me. I decided to take my mind away from her by going out to the balcony and staring at the lazy street where my father’s old house was situated at.
When I heard the shoes of a lady walking towards me I suspected that it would her.
“Good afternoon. Can I enjoy your view with you?”
“Of course” I said, smiling at her.
“I’m Ugochi.” she said offering a well manicured hand.
I took it and said “Jonathan.”
“Oh. So you’re the Jonathan everybody’s been gossiping about.”
“Wow. Really?” I said, truly astonished. Those bastards couldn’t even keep my name out of their mouths.
“So you’re the black sheep of the family, then? We already have a lot in common.”
“How so?” I asked, eyeing her.
“Back home my parents think I’m in school studying for some impromptu test… On Christmas day, when I should be with the family just like you guys are now, but I don’t like my family that much and I really don’t do a great job of hiding it”
I was awed by her already.
“So who dragged Ugochi away from her studies?” I asked, giving her a side eye.
She giggled. “Geraldine and I have been friends for a while. She asked me to join her when I told her I had plans of staying at home, watching TV, smoking weed and getting wasted.”
“How old are you?” I suddenly blurted.
“Haha. Why do you ask that all of a sudden?”
“Forgive me. It came out before I could think.”
“It’s okay. I’ll be 20 in March. Finally out of this bullshit life of a teenager.”
I didn’t say anything.
“What? I’m too young to be having a conversation with you?”
“Nah. It’s not that. Just wondering how you and Geraldine are friends. She’s, kinda, older than you by a few years.”
She laughed. “Well, yeah. My parents kept pushing me. I wrote the common entrance in primary three, got into some private school and wrote the SSCE and JAMB in S.S.S 2. Got into the University when I was 14. Finished last year. I met Geraldine in second year when she changed from her department to mine.”
“What are you, some kind of genius or something?”
She laughed, I liked her laughter. She was young, very young, but quite mature for someone her age. I suddenly liked her very much and appreciated her pretty eyes and lovely skin from upclose. I suddenly couldn’t wait to see what was beneath that pretty dress.
Ugochi and I continued to talk into the evening before she brought out her iPhone and asked for my number. Her brazenness was even more appealing to me then her intelligence. We exchanged numbers just before I left that evening and later that night she called me to continue from where we’d left off at the family reunion.
It took a while but I finally got her to be comfortable enough to talk about sex and relationships, even before we could go deep enough into that part of the conversation she told me that there was something about me that caused a tingling sensation between her thighs and she was curious about finding out what it was.
I didn’t even know how to reply her.
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