Average Joe: Lynda Who? Finale - 'Deolu #ONIRANU Bubble!
April 20, 2021

Average Joe: Lynda Who? Finale
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Average Joe: Lynda Who? Finale

Lynda was trying to extort me and I couldn’t believe it. Not like I couldn’t believe it, it was hard to swallow, worse than a bitter pill, and this wasn’t just some normal type of extortion; this was a life and death situation. I felt the throbbing in the side of my head where Damien had hit me and my head was pounding from the blow. I wasn’t sure if I was thinking straight when I said

“Okay, if that’s what you want, I will pay you.”

Lynda smiled wickedly and looked at Cynthia who even had a “wickeder” smile on her face.

“But I don’t have up to that yet. You’ll have to wait till next month before I can pay you.” While I spoke, I was thinking. Trying to buy myself time. Maybe, a way of escape. I had never expected in my whole average life to be caught up in something like this. Lynda’s smile vanished, quickly morphed into a frown

“Don’t think you can fool me, Joe. I know you have more than five million naira in your account. We saw the credit alert on your phone a few minutes ago.”

Shit. I always deleted those alerts. I wondered how I’d forgotten to delete the last one. But I wasn’t going to let them defeat me.

“That alert came in three days ago.” I said with a calm voice, cooking up a lie I hoped that would set me free “I made a transaction just yesterday worth four million. I deleted the debit alert the same way I always delete all other alerts. I must have forgotten to delete that one that you saw. Check the date, you’ll see.”

Cynthia was holding my phone. She checked it and showed it to Lynda. They both then looked at me with eyes that showed they believed me. I chuckled in my mind. They were falling for it already.

“The only way to prove this is to make one small transaction right now and receive a debit alert.” Damien said from behind them. And my heart sank deeper than before. That fucking guy was going to ruin everything.

Lynda agreed with him. “That’s right. Now you’re going to give me your codes while I purchase a small item online. Your debit alert will reveal your account balance and we’ll know if you’re lying or not. You better not be lying, Joe. Or we’ll take every damn penny from you.”

The only thing I could tell Lynda was “Fuck you.”

Damien cracked his fingers as he stood up from where he sat. He was coming to give me another one of those punches with his muscular arm. I was surely going to die this time. Just as he was two steps away from me, I stood abruptly with the wooden chair tied to my body and swung with all my strength, hitting Damien with the chair.

The chair broke on impact and sent excruciating pain through my body. I fell to the floor and Damien fell too. As I was on the floor trying to untie my legs Cynthia picked up one of the chair’s broken parts and tried to use it on me. I dodged her first attempt, then she tried again this time hitting me on my shoulder. I cried in pain but I was determined not to let them capture me. I struggled as hard as I could with the ropes until finally, I set my hands free. As Cynthia tried to hit me again I caught the stick with my hand, dragged her towards me and gave her a cracking punch to the face. She went flying and landed on the hard floor. Lynda was shouting at Damien and telling him to stand up and deal with me. Just as the hefty guy was getting on his feet, I had gotten rid of the ropes holding my legs together. Damien stood up and looked at me, with an evil snarl on his face. He wanted to break all the bones in my body with his bare hands.

“I will break all the bones in your body with my bare hands, you wimp!” he barked at me. It was as if I’d read his thoughts.

I was feeling pains all over my body because of the James Bond moves I’d just pulled but I raised my fists in the air like I was ready to fight him. Lynda was yelling at him to hurry up and beat the hell outta me. I knew I couldn’t face someone as tough as him but I already knew I couldn’t lose that fight or else I was going to be a goner.

As Damien charged at me like a raging bull the first thing that came to my head was to bend to one side and leave my right leg in his path. And just like I thought, he ran into my leg and fell down like a bag of rice. I quickly grabbed the stick that Cynthia used on me and walked up to Damien. As he tried to get up from the floor, I raised the stick in the air and with one strong swing I hit him on the back of his head. He fell back down. He didn’t move for a second or two. I thought he was dead. Had I finally killed a man? Just as my heart was beginning to beat faster than as fast as it had been beating before, Damien groaned.

He raised his head and was trying to stand up again. He really was a tough guy. I raised the stick and hit him one more time, but not as hard as before. He fell down this time and stopped moving at all. I had watched movies like this before and I knew the next thing to do was to check his pulse. I did, and thankfully he was still alive. He lay there unconscious and I dropped the stick beside him.

I turned around and I saw Lynda, looking at me with great fear in her eyes. She never believed I could do what I just did. She thought I would just pay her three million naira of my hard earned money just like that. How idiotic of her, I thought. She should have escaped in all that time I was dealing with Damien, but there was only one door to the room and Damien was lying just in front of it. She couldn’t get past me. And she was going to pay for what she tried to do to me.

Without saying anything, I removed my shirt, unbuckled my belt and removed my jeans and boxer shorts. I stood naked in front of her. Lynda was begging me. Asking me to forgive her. That she would never bother me again. But the more she begged, the more my dick got bigger and bigger. I smiled my own wicked smile and she cried in fear. I walked towards her. She crawled backwards until she bumped into Cynthia who was still lying unconscious on the floor. She began to shake her friend, begging her to wake up so she could save her.

“No one can hear you scream.” I told her. “No one can save you now.”

Two days after that whole episode, I was in the office when a call came through my phone from a strange number.

“Hello” I said

“Hey, it’s me”

“Who’s you?” I asked


We were both quiet for nearly a minute.

“I know I’m the last person you want to speak to right now and I promised not to bother you anymore, but I just called to thank you for… for not…”

“Not what?”

“You know what I mean. I was scared you were going to…”

“Going to rape you or kill you?”

She didn’t answer.

“Lynda, the reason why I didn’t harm you is because unlike you, I am a very good person. So just keep your gratitude and never ever call me again.” With that I ended the call. Then just as I was clearing my table before going out for lunch another call came in. Probably Lynda with another strange number, I told myself. I picked up the call and was about to spit fire when a lovely voice from the other end spoke to me.

“Hello Joe, it’s Sister Evelyn. Remember  me?”

I remembered her. The lady who made me attend her church just because I wanted to fuck her. I really liked her. She was calling me because she misses me and wanted to see me. I told her I missed her too but didn’t add the part about my dick missing her more. Evil Joe was about to get back to work.

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Written by
Dr. Deolu Oniranu-Bubble


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