{"id":5376,"date":"2016-09-14T12:47:21","date_gmt":"2016-09-14T11:47:21","guid":{"rendered":"http:\/\/www.deolububble.com\/general\/ndb\/?p=5376"},"modified":"2017-01-30T13:04:57","modified_gmt":"2017-01-30T12:04:57","slug":"the-ascension-of-solomons-sacrifice-comedy","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/www.deolububble.com\/general\/ndb\/the-ascension-of-solomons-sacrifice-comedy\/","title":{"rendered":"The Ascension of Solomon’s Sacrifice (Comedy)"},"content":{"rendered":"

This is sort of like the Part 2 of the Absalom & King Solomon\u2019s Sacrifice<\/a>.<\/p>\n

Enjoy!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

Written by Timi P<\/strong><\/p>\n

Hey guys,<\/p>\n

If you\u2019ve read the first story, the one about Absalom, the old man and the tale of the biggest sacrifice in human history. This is the tale of what happens next when the offering has started, how it is received in the heavens. If you don\u2019t have a sense of humour, kindly just close the page right now.<\/p>\n

I still intend to write about how the arrangements of the animals happen, the co-ordination of hundreds of slaughter or sacrifice staff, that will be for another day. I\u2019m excited about today.<\/p>\n

For those who have decided to see what will happen, come with me on the journey of how it is received in heavens.<\/p>\n

Open your mind, follow the story line by line.<\/p>\n

So, it\u2019s a beautiful day in heaven, God and Jesus was sitting side by side of course with their smoothies discussing the future of humanity.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus, I tell you, the future is a lot more interesting, there are cars, then cars that drive themselves, then something called light-rail.\u201d God said, exciting about the future of mankind<\/p>\n

\u201cThat\u2019s super dope Dad, Can\u2019t wait to see it! The plans you\u2019ve got for mankind, if people know about it now, they gon lose their minds, dad. LOSE-THEIR-MINDS!!!\u201d Jesus responded like a black teenager.<\/p>\n

\u201cYea son, I know right. That\u2019s why I\u2019m God\u201d God said.<\/p>\n

\u201cGat you,dad! Gat you.\u201d Jesus said lightly hitting the chest with the top of hand closed in a fist, then pointing to his dad.<\/p>\n

\u201cIsn\u2019t it time for our smoothies, Jesus?\u201d God asked,<\/p>\n

\u201cYea, G.O.D, where dem angels incharge of it\u201d Jesus responded with black mannerisms.<\/p>\n

Before they finished their sentences, an angel arrived bearing the healthy drinks and handed it to Jesus and God.<\/p>\n

From a distance, God saw a smoke emanating from clouds into the heavenlies.<\/p>\n

Swiftly, he and Jesus flew to throne of Grace where he presides all over mankind.<\/p>\n

\u201cDad, this smoke appears to be getting larger, it\u2019ll get to the throne of Grace soon.\u201d Jesus said<\/p>\n

\u201cThanks Captain Obvious!\u201d God said, trying to decipher who or what was going on down there.<\/p>\n

\u201cAngel Gabriel, I think its one of them sacrifice, that is happening but this is bigger than anyone that I have seen. Could you go down and find out what is happening exactly\u201d<\/p>\n

God tries to wave down the smoke as it appears to become thicker.<\/p>\n

\u201cJ-E-S-U-S!!!!!\u201d God exclaimed, as it seems the smoke might choke him<\/p>\n

\u201cYes, Dad\u201d Jesus replied<\/p>\n

\u201cNot you son, I was just describing how alarmed I am at how this smoke is growing exponentially\u201d God tried to explain<\/p>\n

\u201c\u2026and you do so by mentioning my name?\u201d Jesus queried.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s a future thing, people exclaim by calling either your name or mine. Since I am God, I can\u2019t call my own name to exclaim, I gotta call yours.\u201d God said<\/p>\n

\u201cGet it?!\u201d God continue<\/p>\n

\u201cYea, dad\u2026 Cool!\u201d Jesus said<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know, this is probably where the first case of Asthma happened, I mean this much smoke everywhere.\u201d God said<\/p>\n

Angel Gabriel returned, and gave his report.<\/p>\n

\u201cGod, its King Solomon, and you probably know this already\u201d Gabriel said<\/p>\n

\u201cWell, go on, I know but I also like to pretend that I don\u2019t. It\u2019s a great way to keep things interesting. Like for instance, I\u2019m gonna pretend like I don\u2019t know that soon, you\u2019re going down in human form to die for the sins of the whole world, dying is also putting it mildly how you\u2019ll be killed. You will be publicly killed, son.\u201d God said<\/p>\n

\u201cGo down in human form? Die for the sins of the whole world? Get murdered publicly?\u201d Jesus asks God.<\/p>\n

\u201cDon\u2019t be a baby about this. It\u2019s fine, Jesus you\u2019re been dramatic. I said killed not murdered. Murder is such an unsavory word. From what I see, some people will pierce your side with a spear and you\u2019ll be nailed to a wooden cross. It\u2019s really gory.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cDad, stop! I don\u2019t understand any of this\u201d Jesus said.<\/p>\n

\u201cIt\u2019s one of these future things, Jesus. It\u2019s not so bad, you\u2019ll say. On the bright side, on that same journey, you\u2019ll be hope of mankind, and your name will reverberated for thousands of years till the end of time.\u201d God said<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I\u2019ll die\u201d Jesus said<\/p>\n

\u201cEvery human dies, but then you come back here with me, and we\u2019ll drink as many smoothies as you want\u201d God said<\/p>\n

\u201cCome\u2019on son, drink your smoothie, you haven\u2019t touched for a while now\u201d God continued.<\/p>\n

\u201cI wish you hadn\u2019t touched on this issue, dad, honestly\u201d Jesus said.<\/p>\n

\u201cLike I\u2019ve been saying for the umpteenth time, it\u2019s not so bad. It has more advantages than disadvantages. Moreover, you\u2019ll only be there for 33 years, which is like less than a minute here. It\u2019ll be like you were never gone. Look at the boy, that was delivered while we were walking by the beautiful gate, he\u2019s back and he lived for 120 years or so. So, stop being a big baby \u201d God said.<\/p>\n

Changing his attention to angel Gabriel, taking a long sip from his giant smoothie bottle.<\/p>\n

\u201cYou were saying?\u201d Nudging Gabriel to go ahead with his report.<\/p>\n

\u201cGod, King Solomon has planned the biggest sacrifice in history and they only just started, they\u2019re not even a quarter of the way through\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cJESUS!!\u201d God exclaimed again, this time, Jesus paid no attention to his name being used as exclamation, still battling with the spoiler his dad dropped a short while ago.<\/p>\n

\u201cWe have to do something, Gabriel. We have to.\u201d God said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI\u2019ll go see him at night when this smoke dies down, I can\u2019t see anything from here. He must have a very big request, he and his father, David have a flair for theatrics.\u201d God said.<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

All through the rest of the conversation, Jesus remains silent.<\/p>\n

\u201cLook! Gabriel, get a couple of angels and look for a way to funnels this smoke into a cloud somewhere else. I don\u2019t want this smoke to gimme Asthma. I\u2019m God!\u201d God gave the instruction.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus! Your smoothie aint gon drink itself, drink up son!\u201d God implored Jesus.<\/p>\n

\u201cOr do you want me to finish up for you, mine has got cabbage, water melon and some ginger, do you wanna taste my smoothie?\u201d God tried to cheer him up.<\/p>\n

I have a little surprise for you when you get back, it will blow your mind, I have never done this for anyone ever.<\/p>\n

\u201cHow about cancelling the trip\u201d Jesus asked<\/p>\n

\u201cI can\u2019t, son\u201c God asked<\/p>\n

\u201cWhy not?\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBecause Isaiah already predicted your coming\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cSo? You\u2019re God\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cI know, and that\u2019s the more reason why you\u2019ve to go because I\u2019m God\u201d God said.<\/p>\n

\u201cI just told you, something amazing awaits you when you get back, you wont believe it. Come\u2019on, son! Do it for Daddy\u201d God implored.<\/p>\n

\u201cJesus, come guess with me, what you think Solomon wants\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou know what he wants, Dad\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cBut I like to play this game, guess with me. What do you think he wants.\u201d God said<\/p>\n

\u201cThe smoke is clearing up, Dad.\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cGabriel and the other angels found a solution to it\u201d Jesus said<\/p>\n

\u201cSon, stop deflecting, son. Tell me what you think Solomon wants from me\u201d God asked.<\/p>\n

The smoke cleared as God requested, and the heavens were back to being clear as day as they were previously.<\/p>\n

\u201cSolomon is gonna ask for wisdom\u2026. are you happy now, Jesus??!\u201d<\/p>\n

\u201cYou\u2019re going to earth, Jesus! Sulk all you want\u201d God said<\/p>\n

Thanks for reading!<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n

\u00a0<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":"

This is sort of like the Part 2 of the Absalom & King Solomon\u2019s Sacrifice. Enjoy! \u00a0 Written by Timi P Hey guys, If you\u2019ve read the first story, the one about Absalom, the old man and the tale of the biggest sacrifice in human history. This is the tale of what happens next when […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5372,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,4926],"tags":[4899,4892,1906,4888,388,4907,3800,176,1361,4904,4903,4906,4890,4894,4901,3840,4897,4896,4900,4908,4891,4898,4905,4893,4909,4889,4895],"class_list":["post-5376","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-editor-picks","tag-abraham","tag-absalom","tag-african-stories","tag-bible-stories","tag-comedy","tag-comedy-post","tag-deolu-stories","tag-fiction-2","tag-funny-post","tag-god-and-jesus","tag-god-and-jesus-convo","tag-isaiah-prophecy","tag-king-solomon","tag-my-bible-stories","tag-nigerian-fiction-writing","tag-oniranu-stories","tag-oxen","tag-sheeps","tag-skit-comedy","tag-skits","tag-the-big-sacrifice","tag-the-biggest-sacrifice-in-human-history","tag-the-coming-of-christ","tag-the-most-handsome-man-in-the-world","tag-timi-p-writer","tag-twist","tag-wives-and-concubines"],"yoast_head":"\nThe Ascension of Solomon's Sacrifice (Comedy) - 'Deolu #ONIRANU Bubble! 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