Hi guys,<\/p>\n
Happy Eid to everyone. So, there is a skit I found very funny from someone I know and I have his permission to share with you.<\/p>\n
Most of us are familiar with the story of the biggest sacrifice that King Solomon made that made God visit him in the night. Well, here is a slight peek into how the sacrifice came about<\/p>\n
\u00a0<\/p>\n
Written by Timi P<\/strong><\/p>\n And Solomon offered a sacrifice of peace offerings, which he offered unto the LORD, two and twenty thousand oxen, and an hundred and twenty thousand sheep. So the king and all the children of Israel dedicated the house of the LORD.<\/em><\/p>\n 1 Kings 8:63<\/strong><\/p>\n In the Old Testament, Solomon sacrificed to God one of the biggest sacrifice any human being had ever sacrificed.<\/p>\n The stories in the Bible are like the World Cup finals (pretty much summarized) that hold once in a couple of years, the race to the finals takes longer than the finals itself, the qualifiers takes years to play while the finals take like a month.<\/p>\n He offered 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep, what was summarized in I King 8:63 will no doubt have been an herculean task. Solomon would have needed to source for more oxen and sheep. I mean he wasn\u2019t gonna sacrifice all the flock he had and go hungry. Imagine how many people live in the palace, the king with his wives, probably housed his concubines somewhere around, carefully allocating spaces so there wouldn\u2019t be fight in the palace, and his children, relatives, the sheer amount of people in the palace must be mesmerizing. Over 6 cows may have to lay their lives down, so the palace can have breakfast.<\/p>\n Considering all of these situations, the smart play would be take some from his farm, and source the rest from his land (Israel) and quite possibly abroad.<\/p>\n He didn\u2019t really do the sacrifice for himself but for all the children of Israel to dedicate the new temple.<\/p>\n So, it was for a just cause\u2026<\/p>\n Anyway, you can imagine the harrowing experience that the committee in charge of sourcing the oxen and sheep would have gone through.<\/p>\n This post or whatever you choose to call it wants to explore a fictional team lead in charge of sourcing the peace offerings and team encounter, his name was Absalom, King Solomon\u2019s junior brother, the most handsome man in the world at that time (This is actually a genuine fact, you can look it up)<\/p>\n Absalom was appointed the leader of the entire process of sourcing for peace offering from all over the land; he would sometime go to visit nearby farms, which was what happened this particular day. He would choose emissaries from his house to approach the wealthy landowners, the ones who could make the sourcing easier than imagined.<\/p>\n On this particular day, he visited one of the largest farm in the land towards the outskirts of the town, adorned in the finest ornament of the time. They rode into the man\u2019s land with a flag representing Israel as well as King Solomon, and the house of his father.<\/p>\n Assistants helped Absalom down his horse, carefully making sure his robe doesn\u2019t get twisted with the leash or ropes around the horse. Finally, he was free of the ropes and the horse, he led to 15 man emissary into the compound, the compound looked very clean. He could see far down south a section of the farm animals.<\/p>\n One of emissary stepped forward to knock on the door a few times, the door was opened by a fairly old man. Absalom introduced himself to the man<\/p>\n \u201cMy name is Absalom;<\/p>\n First of my name;<\/p>\n Son of the great King David and Lady Maachah, daughter of Talmai, the great King of Geshur;<\/p>\n Trusted Adviser and brother to the Great King Solomon\u201d<\/p>\n The fairly old man yawned, feeling uninterested as the wealthy looking man was introducing himself along with his lineage structure and what number of his name he was which he didn\u2019t care for at all. He could feel the man was very proud of his heritage as he took out time to clearly explain his ancestry.<\/p>\n Absalom continued, ignoring the not interested look on the man\u2019s face.<\/p>\n \u201cI have been sent by the great King Solomon, the wise King;<\/p>\n First of his name;<\/p>\n Son of King David and Queen Bathsheba<\/p>\n Ruler of all of Isreal;<\/p>\n The voice of the one and only true God<\/p>\n The Lord\u2019s beloveth.<\/p>\n He has personally sent me to you. We are here to discuss procurement of your oxen and sheep.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cWith all due respect sir\u201d The man tried to cut Absalom.<\/p>\n One of the emissaries was about to draw his sword; interruption of the king\u2019s emissary while speaking is a treasonable offence punishable by death.<\/p>\n Absalom made hand gesture for him to sheath his sword.<\/p>\n \u201cYou wanted to say something \u201d Absalom calming the situation.<\/p>\n \u201cYou might want to talk to my father about this, we just split up our farm to the neighboring country, I\u2019m not sure we might be able to help your cause at all.\u201d The man replied<\/p>\n \u201cSo, why didn\u2019t you tell me this as soon as I introduced myself that your father is the decision maker\u201d<\/p>\n The same emissary tried to pull out his sword for the second time to strike down the young man for wasting the Absalom\u2019s time.<\/p>\n \u201cHow many people are you gonna kill, Abraham.\u201d Absalom said holding his wrist, forcing him to put back the sword in the sheath.<\/p>\n \u201cHe insulted you, my lord\u201d The young man named after Abraham said, giving his reasons for defending his boss\u2019s honor.<\/p>\n \u201cLet me be the one to decide who disrespects me or not!\u201d He told him.<\/p>\n \u201cYou killed 8 people last week because of these insult shenanigan!<\/p>\n What is wrong with you?\u201d<\/p>\n Are you a serial killer or do you drink human blood for fun? Do you want to be re-assigned to the war front.<\/p>\n Your mother begged me to help you, but it seems you\u2019re a blood thirty vampire.<\/p>\n This is your last chance, if you repeat any of this nonsense, you will be shipped to the war front, you can serve our land better there.<\/p>\n Lets see how you fare with other nut-jobs like you who enjoy killing people.\u201d Absalom put Abraham in check with hush tones.<\/p>\n \u201cI apologise for his foolishness. Please get your father. Thank you\u201d Absalom said, trying to forget the ugly accident that almost happened.<\/p>\n The man walked into another chamber to fetch his father, with an uneasy stare at Abraham, he nearly died twice today alone from a boy who looked barely a day older than 18 years of age. The things that happen in Israel these days are quite unimaginable, that an 18 year old boy almost murdered him in his own living room, sorry in his father\u2019s living room.<\/p>\n Absalom gave Abraham one more stare down, and re-adjusted him robes, as the man\u2019s elderly father walked out with the aid of the walking stick, old and very sarcastic man.<\/p>\n \u201cSo, who wants to speak with me\u201d The elderly man said<\/p>\n \u201cI was having my 6-hour siesta, this had better be good\u201d The man said<\/p>\n \u201cThey are emissaries from King Solomon\u201d his son said<\/p>\n \u201cWhat is it this time around, he want to marry wife number 245 now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI have already been to 45 of those, the public bathroom there is appalling.<\/p>\n I\u2019m old, I have to go to the bathroom like 5 times in 20 minutes, I virtually miss the whole ceremony. Tell him, I can\u2019t make it. I\u2019m too old for it anyway.<\/p>\n Tell him to leave me out of this.\u201d<\/p>\n Abraham couldn\u2019t take it anymore, his blood was boiling at someone insulting the great King Solomon but a firm stare from Absalom made him keep his temper in check, this is the last time he would idly stand by while a commoner will insult the King.<\/p>\n Absalom stepped forward to introduce himself to the elderly man<\/p>\n \u201cMy name is Absalom;<\/p>\n First of my name;<\/p>\n Son of the great King David and Lady Maachah, daughter of Talmai\u2026.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m gonna have to stop you right there, I\u2019m too old for this. I don\u2019t need an introduction into your life. I\u2019m dying here, look how pale my face is. I don\u2019t have time for the complete narration of your ancestry history! Could you tell me what you want?\u201d The old man rushed Absalom as he approached his favorite wooden arm-chair.<\/p>\n \u201cThe King is planning something big that I\u2019m not at liberty to discuss at this time. He has tasked me with acquiring huge amount of livestock. We would wish to buy them from you.\u201d Absalom briefed him.<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019m sure whatever he wants to do involves marrying a new wife but sadly, at this time. I cannot help you. Let him find his animals for his barbecue party elsewhere\u201d He said<\/p>\n \u201cI would beg you to reconsider\u201d Absalom said<\/p>\n The elderly man thought to himself, called his son to his side and they whispered words to themselves.<\/p>\n \u201cWe will help you, my son just reminded me now that we\u2019re dealing with the King. He can take away our farm and everything that we have slaved from generations before us. So, because of that we are willing to help out, but let the record state that we were under duress!\u201d The elderly man said.<\/p>\n \u201cHow many oxen and sheep do you have?\u201d Absalom asked.<\/p>\n The man\u2019s son went into a section of the house to get a scroll where the live stocks are been documented.<\/p>\n The son checked through and gave the father the numbers.<\/p>\n \u201cWe have 12,389 cows and 241,952 sheep\u201d He said, repeating what his son was whispering to him.<\/p>\n Absalom looked for this accounts keeper, giving him an hand gesture to come forward with the record.<\/p>\n He brought forward a scroll, unwrapped it and looked through it for a quick minute, running his fingers from the top to the bottom of page simultaneous then uttered words to the account keeper silently, shaking his head.<\/p>\n \u201cWe will take all the cows and half of your sheeps\u201d Absalom said<\/p>\n \u201cHow about you take my son as palace guard, and my grand daughters as wives for your mad king, and hey! Don\u2019t forget about me, I could can the palace every morning. You thieving vermins\u201d The old man said with sarcasm, holding his hands together and stretching them towards Absalom, in a posture that meant surrender.<\/p>\n Everyone couldn\u2019t believe what they had heard especially Abraham, who knew how best to deal with enemies of the King. No being able to take it anymore. Abraham went outside of the house and stayed there.<\/p>\n Absalom put on his Sales and Marketing cap.<\/p>\n \u201cWe can work together, let us discuss. I understand its not a deal you can ever receive despite been under duress\u201d Absalom said.<\/p>\n \u201cAbsolutely impossible! I cannot do that. I will be left with nothing. Our generations would have been great farmers for nothing. These flock I have spent all my life to rear and now, you want to take them all away on something you cannot even tell me about? \u201d He responded<\/p>\n \u201cI can understand your frustrations but can you keep a secret?\u201d Absalom asked<\/p>\n \u201cWhy do you think I have been alive this long? I have seen things that I shouldn\u2019t have but I\u2019m still alive hey\u201d He replied<\/p>\n Absalom dismissed all of his emissaries leaving him alone with the man and his son<\/p>\n \u201cI can\u2019t figure out what is going on with the King. He is obsessed with this new thing he is doing. I don\u2019t know what the palace needs over 22,000 oxen and 120,000 sheep for\u201d Absalom confided in the man.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t even care but you seem like a real trustworthy guy. How often do you wax your beard? They look very nice, not like mine. I have lived in my days not these days \u201d The elderly man asked<\/p>\n \u201cTwice a day, my boy has the perfect secret to this silky smooth beard\u201d He replied<\/p>\n \u201cI will sell you more than half of what I have because I don\u2019t want your legion of bastards invading my farm and carting away with everything.\u201d He said finally giving in.<\/p>\n Absalom looked pleased.<\/p>\n \u201cMy grand daughter is getting married in a few weeks and it\u2019s an elaborate wedding. It is also probably the last wedding I\u2019m going do before I die. I intend to have a big ceremony, you\u2019re invited if you are available. We\u2019re feeding everyone in the temple.\u201d The man said<\/p>\n \u201cI would like to attend that, I\u2019m sure the King can give his blessing.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t want him there, I don\u2019t want him cancelling the wedding then marrying her instead. I have already lost 5 wives, 3 daughters and 4 nieces to that man. You see why I don\u2019t like him so much?\u201d The elderly man said<\/p>\n \u201cOh wow! He married some of your children?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOh Yes, he did. You can marry over 200 wives and not have married more than once in every noble household. I\u2019m even lucky. The other guy by the river has almost 15 daughters married to him.\u201d The man said<\/p>\n \u201cIs it a fetish for him? What is wrong with him? \u00a0Or better still is he trying to set some kind of record as the man who married the most women and most concubines. \u201d The elderly man queried.<\/p>\n \u201cI don\u2019t know, who knows what the guy is thinking. He\u2019s always looking at women and talking with women. I have had my fair share of women..\u201d He replied<\/p>\n \u201cO-B-V-I-O-U-S-L-Y!!!\u201d The old man said pointing at him about his good looks<\/p>\n \u201cI think he got his randy nature from his father, David. Almost wants to marry every lady\u201d He said.<\/p>\n \u201cLets talk about payment.\u201d Absalom said<\/p>\n \u201cWell, you want a lot and its gonna cost you.\u201d He replied<\/p>\n \u201cHow much do you want for it\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cGive me 15 shekels and we\u2019ll call it a deal. Han! How about that!\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThat\u2019s quite on the high side\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cCommon man, you\u2019re getting the best deal here. Do you have any idea how long it will take for us build our stocks back to the level that it is now?\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThey are quality livestock, they almost eat better than I do. I aint selling them cheap especially to the King of Israel. It has to come at a premium, atleast 15% above the market price\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI was thinking you can be more flexible with your demand\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cOkay, Now that I think about it on the account that you can invade my farm, take away all the livestock, lock my son and I in prison for the rest of our lives and sell my family into slavery. On account of all of that\u201d The man said<\/p>\n Absalom nodding in agreement that they could do that<\/p>\n \u201cGive me 10 shekels and we can shake hands.\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI\u2019ll do you one better. How about I pay you 9 shekels but you put 10 shekels on the receipt. A man\u2019s gotta live\u201d Absalom said<\/p>\n \u201cWise man!!!! You should be in business, or better still, you should be king. You drive a good bargain especially with your good look. Would have given you my grand daughter but she\u2019s got a suitor. I have one with a droopy eye if you don\u2019t mind. Excellent cook and a real home maker. What do you say? Uhn\u2026 what do you say? \u201d The man said<\/p>\n \u201cThanks but no thanks sir\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cI really like your outfit, where did you get it from, Damascus? The merchant close the red sea? Tell me\u201d<\/p>\n \u201cThese robes don\u2019t come cheap, old man! That\u2019s all I\u2019m saying.\u201d<\/p>\n They shook hands and the transaction was complete, Absalom rode into the sunset with the livestock. Today was fairly easy, the thought to himself.<\/p>\n Long live King Solomon! Long Live Israel! God bless the elderly man!<\/p>\n","protected":false},"excerpt":{"rendered":" Hi guys, Happy Eid to everyone. So, there is a skit I found very funny from someone I know and I have his permission to share with you. Most of us are familiar with the story of the biggest sacrifice that King Solomon made that made God visit him in the night. Well, here is […]<\/p>\n","protected":false},"author":1,"featured_media":5372,"comment_status":"open","ping_status":"open","sticky":false,"template":"","format":"standard","meta":{"_exactmetrics_skip_tracking":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_active":false,"_exactmetrics_sitenote_note":"","_exactmetrics_sitenote_category":0,"_jetpack_memberships_contains_paid_content":false,"footnotes":""},"categories":[4,4926],"tags":[4899,4892,1906,4888,388,3800,176,4890,4894,4901,3840,4897,4896,4900,4891,4898,4893,4889,4895],"class_list":["post-5371","post","type-post","status-publish","format-standard","has-post-thumbnail","hentry","category-articles","category-editor-picks","tag-abraham","tag-absalom","tag-african-stories","tag-bible-stories","tag-comedy","tag-deolu-stories","tag-fiction-2","tag-king-solomon","tag-my-bible-stories","tag-nigerian-fiction-writing","tag-oniranu-stories","tag-oxen","tag-sheeps","tag-skit-comedy","tag-the-big-sacrifice","tag-the-biggest-sacrifice-in-human-history","tag-the-most-handsome-man-in-the-world","tag-twist","tag-wives-and-concubines"],"yoast_head":"\n