March 19, 2024


The Ascension of Solomon’s Sacrifice (Comedy)

 

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The Ascension of Solomon’s Sacrifice (Comedy)

This is sort of like the Part 2 of the Absalom & King Solomon’s Sacrifice.

Enjoy!

 

Written by Timi P

Hey guys,

If you’ve read the first story, the one about Absalom, the old man and the tale of the biggest sacrifice in human history. This is the tale of what happens next when the offering has started, how it is received in the heavens. If you don’t have a sense of humour, kindly just close the page right now.

I still intend to write about how the arrangements of the animals happen, the co-ordination of hundreds of slaughter or sacrifice staff, that will be for another day. I’m excited about today.

For those who have decided to see what will happen, come with me on the journey of how it is received in heavens.

Open your mind, follow the story line by line.

So, it’s a beautiful day in heaven, God and Jesus was sitting side by side of course with their smoothies discussing the future of humanity.

“Jesus, I tell you, the future is a lot more interesting, there are cars, then cars that drive themselves, then something called light-rail.” God said, exciting about the future of mankind

“That’s super dope Dad, Can’t wait to see it! The plans you’ve got for mankind, if people know about it now, they gon lose their minds, dad. LOSE-THEIR-MINDS!!!” Jesus responded like a black teenager.

“Yea son, I know right. That’s why I’m God” God said.

“Gat you,dad! Gat you.” Jesus said lightly hitting the chest with the top of hand closed in a fist, then pointing to his dad.

“Isn’t it time for our smoothies, Jesus?” God asked,

“Yea, G.O.D, where dem angels incharge of it” Jesus responded with black mannerisms.

Before they finished their sentences, an angel arrived bearing the healthy drinks and handed it to Jesus and God.

From a distance, God saw a smoke emanating from clouds into the heavenlies.

Swiftly, he and Jesus flew to throne of Grace where he presides all over mankind.

“Dad, this smoke appears to be getting larger, it’ll get to the throne of Grace soon.” Jesus said

“Thanks Captain Obvious!” God said, trying to decipher who or what was going on down there.

“Angel Gabriel, I think its one of them sacrifice, that is happening but this is bigger than anyone that I have seen. Could you go down and find out what is happening exactly”

God tries to wave down the smoke as it appears to become thicker.

“J-E-S-U-S!!!!!” God exclaimed, as it seems the smoke might choke him

“Yes, Dad” Jesus replied

“Not you son, I was just describing how alarmed I am at how this smoke is growing exponentially” God tried to explain

“…and you do so by mentioning my name?” Jesus queried.

“It’s a future thing, people exclaim by calling either your name or mine. Since I am God, I can’t call my own name to exclaim, I gotta call yours.” God said

“Get it?!” God continue

“Yea, dad… Cool!” Jesus said

“You know, this is probably where the first case of Asthma happened, I mean this much smoke everywhere.” God said

Angel Gabriel returned, and gave his report.

“God, its King Solomon, and you probably know this already” Gabriel said

“Well, go on, I know but I also like to pretend that I don’t. It’s a great way to keep things interesting. Like for instance, I’m gonna pretend like I don’t know that soon, you’re going down in human form to die for the sins of the whole world, dying is also putting it mildly how you’ll be killed. You will be publicly killed, son.” God said

“Go down in human form? Die for the sins of the whole world? Get murdered publicly?” Jesus asks God.

“Don’t be a baby about this. It’s fine, Jesus you’re been dramatic. I said killed not murdered. Murder is such an unsavory word. From what I see, some people will pierce your side with a spear and you’ll be nailed to a wooden cross. It’s really gory.”

“Dad, stop! I don’t understand any of this” Jesus said.

“It’s one of these future things, Jesus. It’s not so bad, you’ll say. On the bright side, on that same journey, you’ll be hope of mankind, and your name will reverberated for thousands of years till the end of time.” God said

“But I’ll die” Jesus said

“Every human dies, but then you come back here with me, and we’ll drink as many smoothies as you want” God said

“Come’on son, drink your smoothie, you haven’t touched for a while now” God continued.

“I wish you hadn’t touched on this issue, dad, honestly” Jesus said.

“Like I’ve been saying for the umpteenth time, it’s not so bad. It has more advantages than disadvantages. Moreover, you’ll only be there for 33 years, which is like less than a minute here. It’ll be like you were never gone. Look at the boy, that was delivered while we were walking by the beautiful gate, he’s back and he lived for 120 years or so. So, stop being a big baby ” God said.

Changing his attention to angel Gabriel, taking a long sip from his giant smoothie bottle.

“You were saying?” Nudging Gabriel to go ahead with his report.

“God, King Solomon has planned the biggest sacrifice in history and they only just started, they’re not even a quarter of the way through”

“JESUS!!” God exclaimed again, this time, Jesus paid no attention to his name being used as exclamation, still battling with the spoiler his dad dropped a short while ago.

“We have to do something, Gabriel. We have to.” God said.

“I’ll go see him at night when this smoke dies down, I can’t see anything from here. He must have a very big request, he and his father, David have a flair for theatrics.” God said.

 

All through the rest of the conversation, Jesus remains silent.

“Look! Gabriel, get a couple of angels and look for a way to funnels this smoke into a cloud somewhere else. I don’t want this smoke to gimme Asthma. I’m God!” God gave the instruction.

“Jesus! Your smoothie aint gon drink itself, drink up son!” God implored Jesus.

“Or do you want me to finish up for you, mine has got cabbage, water melon and some ginger, do you wanna taste my smoothie?” God tried to cheer him up.

I have a little surprise for you when you get back, it will blow your mind, I have never done this for anyone ever.

“How about cancelling the trip” Jesus asked

“I can’t, son“ God asked

“Why not?”

“Because Isaiah already predicted your coming”

“So? You’re God”

“I know, and that’s the more reason why you’ve to go because I’m God” God said.

“I just told you, something amazing awaits you when you get back, you wont believe it. Come’on, son! Do it for Daddy” God implored.

“Jesus, come guess with me, what you think Solomon wants”

“You know what he wants, Dad”

“But I like to play this game, guess with me. What do you think he wants.” God said

“The smoke is clearing up, Dad.”

“Gabriel and the other angels found a solution to it” Jesus said

“Son, stop deflecting, son. Tell me what you think Solomon wants from me” God asked.

The smoke cleared as God requested, and the heavens were back to being clear as day as they were previously.

“Solomon is gonna ask for wisdom…. are you happy now, Jesus??!”

“You’re going to earth, Jesus! Sulk all you want” God said

Thanks for reading!

 

 

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