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The Diary of a Lagos Virgin : Episode 3

WRITTEN by FLEAU

Everything seemed slow as I drove to work. Time was slow, even the traffic warden was slow. He controlled traffic like he was trying to ensure that we all sleep on the road.

Asa’s music was playing softly in my car, it was all I really needed this morning to calm my nerves. The warden finally passed our side of the road. Cars struggled to out run each other like they felt the traffic warden was going to change his mind the next second and ask us all to stop.

I turned into the street leading to my office, only to see a build-up of cars on the street, I figured something must have happened in front, I prayed it would clear up in time as the I wasn’t in the mood to face my boss at work today for coming in late.

Finally the traffic started moving, what a relief I drove pretty fast with the thought that I could probably make it to work on time before my boss checks the sign-in register as it was her routine every morning to draw a line after the last person that made it in by 8:00am after which she would leave a short instruction asking anyone who came after her signature to report to her office during lunch break. Luckily I somewhat always came before the note hence never had a reason to report to her office. Although I heard it was gruesome having to see her after the note and I was praying not to experience that gruesome visit to her office today of all days.

I drove past the scene that had caused the traffic, apparently a truck broke down on the street. I heard one man hurl insults at the truck driver “stupid man is this where your mates are passing, you don’t know where the express is abi?”

I drove into our company’s car lot, rushed out of the car and quickly made for the door, I walked into the reception to see my boss signing on the register. It was only 2mins past 8am , she couldn’t just wait for 5 minutes more before coming to sign on the register I thought to myself. I thought of all the possible responses I could give should incase she asked why I came late. Like she was reading my mind, while still writing she asked why I was late.

I wondered how she even knew I was behind her, I wasn’t so close to her or did our nosy receptionist tell her I was behind her. Under my breath I cursed the truck man that made me late before lying that I had to attend to a family emergency.

She finished writing and walked away without saying a word. I picked up the register to sign in, her signature and instruction were right above the line I was about to write on. I thought to myself why she always had to go through this unnecessary activity every morning, I mean all she needed was a general memo sent to all staff stating henceforth anyone who came after 8am was expected to see her rather than walk out to the reception every morning to write this like some jobless human being.

I walked into my office and tried to settle down. My phone rang I was hoping it was Lanre but was only disappointed to see Seyi’s name on the phone. Why was she calling me? I mean we work in the same office. I picked the call grudgingly

“Babe where you dey , abi you no wan come work today? ”  That was Seyi on the other side

I am around now” I answered

“Oh okay I dey come”  she replied before ending the call

What did she want this morning?

Seyi walked into my office looking radiant. It was like her signature to glow every time she walked into a room. She had one of those bodies that made men agree with God’s creative abilities. She had the kind of body that could make a lady feel insecure about standing beside her for fear of comparison. As a matter of fact no lady would like her body to be compared to Seyi’s as it is a definition of perfection in creation. Her curves are right on point, every attire she wears always gives us a perfect insight into what might have inspired the individual who invented the hour-glass. The funny thing is she was aware of all these qualities and never failed to maximize them.

“Madam I have been to your office like 3 times today wetin happen you no wan come work today” She asked

I wondered why she was looking for me this early morning

Well, just a little hitch on my way here” I replied as I set up my laptop

Is it because of you and Bola’s quanta you are squeezing face like this?”

What was she talking about I wondered “what quanta?” I asked

She told me what Bola told her. Apparently Bola had called her last night to gist her. I was in shock that Bola even went this far to share my business. I knew the girl’s amebo skills didn’t have limit but I always thought when it came to certain friend’s matters she ought to atleast minimize the amebo. But who was I deceiving, the girl has diarrhea of the mouth.

Seyi over the past few years had sort of become me and Bola’s middleman during fights. It was mostly Bola who reported me to her. She just always had a way of settling our fights. She was one of the few mutual friends Bola and I shared. A very smart and naïve young lady I met in my first year in the university. She was one of the top students in the entire faculty a position she managed to maintain despite her different activities in the school at that time. It was like she knew all the atrocities she was going to commit in the university and the price her education would have to pay for that hence had chosen to stay on top with her academics and stay out of her lecturer’s wahala while dealing with other businesses.

Well there was no fight right now and I obviously didn’t need her to be in the middle of a matter that wasn’t even in existence. I was looking to get judged by her but was shocked by the next thing she said

Don’t mind that Bola girl, can’t someone be a virgin, she was just sounding as if you committed atrocity” she said

I wasn’t sure if she was being sarcastic or sincere. It has always been difficult for me to tell when Seyi was sincere or joking and right now I wasn’t sure of what the case was.

I mean I am a virgin” she said

I literally shouted from hearing what she said

I asked again like I didn’t hear her the first time. She repeated herself. How on earth can someone like this girl still be a virgin? It was totally impossible.

She saw the look on my face and laughed before saying “why are you looking so shocked?”

I wasn’t even sure if I was shocked or confused.

Seyi has always been on the wild side. I can’t even begin to count the number of nights some strange guy had to drop her off really drunk and almost unable to recognize anyone. Once during our university days there was a rumour flying all over school that she had oral sex with two guys at the same time. And when I asked her if the rumour was true she had replied with “my dear life is full of surprises and there is nothing really impossible to do in this life” after which we never spoke about it again.

This was the same girl that posted a naked picture of herself on social media and when I asked what that was about she replied me with “it’s just my modeling craft tell me one major model that doesn’t have her nude picture out there”.  The girl wasn’t even a serious model she had only managed to take part in one of our school pageants and now thought that qualified her as a model. She was the kind of girl other girls didn’t want around their boyfriends. There was even a case of a girl who dumped her boyfriend after seeing Seyi leave his room the next morning, although she claimed she only went there that morning but we all knew that was just another lie.

When it came to social gatherings the girl had no sense of control over herself or sense of timing either as anytime was good enough for her to attend a party. She was the life of a party as a matter of fact during our university days in the week preceding our graduation she had made up her mind to go on a quest to attend every party that took place that week. It was on one of such nights she hadn’t gotten all drunk as usual and was offered a ride home by a couple of boys who she probably didn’t even know. Her so called drivers who already had a plan in mind had ended up driving her to the building behind the senate house where they tried to rape her and she being all weak and drunk couldn’t even fight back.

Mother luck had however smiled on her that day as the school patrol guards had walked in right on time. I still remember the look on the face of one of the patrol guards when they brought her to the room. One of them had said in anger “you better talk to this your friend e be like say na her shape they deceive am na everywere we dey see am”

All of these didn’t however deter her from attending another party the next day. One of our roommates had even screamed at her as she walked out of the room that night.

The yeye girl only looked at our roommate and said “it’s unfortunate yesterday happened , but you see life has to move on my dear, I cannot now kill myself because some men couldn’t resist my body, after all some babes na  inside their room dem dey wey man come rape them, I mean either ways we all are at risk ”

Now the same girl was standing before me telling me she was a virgin. I thought to myself this girl must think I am stupid.

Babe abeg talk another thing”  I said with irritation

Madam I know it’s hard to believe but for real I am one. I know I can be wild at times but on a serious not I have never being wild enough to sleep with a man”

She started to narrate all the sexapades any woman can possible try out except sex of course. I wasn’t even sure if she was saying the truth right now or if she was pulling my legs.

“Look you have to keep a man and if you can’t have sex with him you have got to have a substitute for that” she said

Substitute? what is that?” I asked

Babe look I have rules when it comes to dealing with men. Men have needs and you have to meet them somehow sometimes. For example when it comes to meeting men’s needs I have my 3 base rules. I have my “1st base, where we can kiss only , then there is my 2nd base where my man can go extra by smooching me, and then there is my 3rd base where I engage in oral sex, you see all this is based on how his demands increase but ultimately I have the no-sex rule until marriage.  She spoke with so much courage like what she was saying was useful to any human being

I looked at her as she spoke. She was detailed on all her escapades with her different boyfriends and the methods she had to use to keep her men. She was about now describing what seemed like the first and only time she allowed anal sex which she said didn’t count as sex anyway. I wanted to slap the taste out of her mouth right now. This girl really was crazy

“So you see babe, it’s possible you are a virgin just like me” She said

I knew Seyi was crazy but I wasn’t sure how crazy she was up until now. I thought by now she would have dropped all her nonsense behaviours from our universities days but I was wrong. Here I was talking to my darling friend, a top executive at our place of work, a position most of our colleagues questioned, a position I knew she truly must have gotten by merit only knowing how intelligent she is.  Amidst her craziness she knew when to be serious and when to fool around. Her job however was a no-fooling around area.

But the same babe just rendered me speechless, with all her stories. I seriously could not understand how someone so smart could be so stupid at things like this. It was beyond me how she still had the guts to call herself a Virgin, it was like she was trying so hard to ridicule the true meaning of the word itself.

“Don’t mind that Bola girl she thinks we are like her abi” she said

I thought to myself how someone could be so proud of being so close to being tagged a prostitute. I mean based on her history the only difference between her and the street hawkers was that they got paid for theirs.

I finally replied with “wow”

My intercom rang I picked it up and heard Mrs Nduka our office hr officer on the other side “see me in my office now”

God knows I had no response for the conversation I just had with Seyi and this phone call was just a life saver.

Babe I need to go to hr they want to see me, we go talk later´ I said

As I walked to the hr office I thought about all I just heard. This must have been what Nduh was trying to get me involved in during our one year period of co-habitation. He must have built a substitute plan of some sort on his own after our first attempt to have sex failed all thanks to his inability to get an erection. I can still remember standing naked in front of the man I thought I was going to marry all in a bid to surprise and please him. But there he was on the bed unable to get an erection only to say what sounded like the most confusing thing “babe I need your help”.

What other help could I possibly offer to a failed erection I mean I was standing butt naked before him what else did he expect me to do.

I need you to go down on me” he had said

Go where

I need you to help me get an erection, you know oral sex kinda thing” he said

I always knew a day like that was going to come and I had prepared my perfect response down for that day. There was no way I was going to disrespect and defile my mouth with such nonsense, I mean I couldn’t even imagine myself using the same mouth to eat after such a thing. I remember saying a lot of stuffs to him with anger before walking out of the room. The days that followed he tried to convince me to try it but his continual persuasion only made us break up as I was not going to lose my dignity by giving in to his sexual fantasy.

And here I was listening to Seyi’s rationalization of such acts, only if Bola knew who she had reported me to.

I thought to myself how on earth did I become friends with a sex freak and semi-virgin?

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